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Saturday, October 11, 2014

Si Se Puede!


            Summer time and the globe has been entertained by the World Cup in Brazil. B-O-R-I-N-G!! Soccer is the only thing the Third World does better than the US-unless you count big families, suicide bombers, drugs and border jumping. The games were filled with drama-guys were knocked down by mosquitoes or injured by dandelions, and writhed like they were electrocuted. There’s no reason to make a wall and cover the jewels, most of these guys don’t have any. The only thing manly occurred when a Dutch player got a cut on his head, and in true hockey fashion, got it stapled on the sideline and returned to the game. Talk about talent-most of lay with the announcers, especially when a team of players with only consonants in their names played a team with only vowels in theirs’- although they lost their cred when they whined about a game ending on Penalty Kicks. These are the same people who refer to overtime wins as “Sudden Victory”. The hype and commercials were more exciting than the games. Soccer is truly a sport made for ESPN, only the highlights are worth watching.
            Russia has invaded the Ukraine. Putin fooled Obama with the move, by marching in backwards, and telling him they were leaving.
           
       Only my department: the new computer system allows you to go off on a Code 303 (officer involved shooting) but not a Code 16(traffic enforcement). Who designed this thing, the same dopes that built the Obamacare Website??
            
     The very rich and the very poor have more in common than you’d think-they both have people working for them (Thanks LC)
            
     When you work with your hands a lot, you develop calluses to protect them. I ride my bike so much I’ve developed a call-ass. Speaking of riding my bike, I’ve about had it with the helmet Nazis. I was riding MY bike along a DCR trail, when I met a rider coming in the opposite direction. I should have known he was a dick because he was sporting the skin tight Tour De France starter kit. He began to furiously tap his forehead with is index finger. I shrugged and he yelled “helmet”- so I began to point at my forehead using a different finger, and yelled “take it easy Lance”. I would have challenged him further, but he looked too fit to fight.
            
     Funny how you’ll encounter a big mouth at work and their intestinal fortitude increases exponentially the farther away from you they get. I refer to this as the “20 Yard Tough Guy Phenomenon”
           
     I know we men are simple creatures, but a recent “Cosmo” cover blurted “where to touch to drive him WILD”. Really?? If you don’t already know that, you probably deserve to be alone…
            
     If the NFL forces Washington to change its name, but allows Kansas City keep theirs, they will have too many Chiefs, no Redskins?
           
     Have you ever woken up before your alarm clock goes off, then spend the time awake to make sure it does, and worried that it won’t?
            
     I saw a guy in a hoodie on a ninety degree day. I asked him “aren’t you hot” and he said, “No, it’s a lot warmer where I’m from”… And that’s the first time I ever met someone from Hell.
            
     While patrolling a housing development in the South End recently, I had to tag several double parked cars in the middle of the day. Many of the cars were newer models, and as I was issuing cites, several able bodied men ran out to move them. I guess they must all work nights.
           
     Is there any chance we could get militarized BEFORE we get de-militarized?
            
     We’ve all seen them, the junkies on the nod who contort their bodies into unusual positions, but NEVER fall. We should dress them all in colorful leotards, and call it “Cirque de Suboxone”
            
      A Federal Judge put long time Michigan Rep John Conyers back on the ballot, even after he failed to gather the requisite number of signatures. The Democrat who has been in Congress for almost 50 years couldn’t come up with 1000 registered voters’ signatures to secure a spot in the primary. If you’ve been in Congress for half a century and don’t have enough names in your favor rolodex to get a thousand signatures, you don’t deserve a vote, either that or you just don’t give a crap. I’m not sure what’s worse…
           
     California Chrome tried to make it an even dozen Triple Crown winners, but came up short in the Belmont. Don’t feel bad for the thoroughbred though, he’s sure to enjoy his promotion to “stud”. With an average fee of $40k a shot, and about 150 (ahem) opportunities a year, CC’s sure to have a heck of a retirement. The top stud fee in horse racing however is $150k per “visit”, and is commanded by a horse named “Tap It” (can’t make this stuff up!), yet the Globe calls details lucrative.
            
     When a police officer tells you that you cannot park in a spot, he’s not obligated to find you a different one.
            
     I walked to a restaurant, and there was a sign on the door that said “No Strollers”, so I left.
            
     The  Police Patrolman’s Conundrum: I must force myself to work sixteen hours, so the Department can’t force me to work sixteen hours. #yaordered!
            
      Coming home late from work one night, I was channel surfing and stopped on the “Dark Knight Rises”. It took me a minute to realize it was in Spanish-and Bane sounded like the announcer for “Sabador Gigante”
            
     Doing traffic is like dealing with a 3 year old…”But WHY?” Oh, and I for one am sick of these folks telling me not to yell at them. Yet they have the window rolled up, or are on a cell phone, or the GPS told me to, or using ear buds. Maybe I should just get an air horn, and after sounding it to get their attention speak to them with my inside voice…NOT!!
            
     Big Government and Big Business both run on inefficiency and incompetence, but a business can fire you for it.
           
     I won’t say the women on Newbury Street dress skimpy, but while in line for coffee I told the girl in front of me she had a tag sticking out of her skirt. She reached back to fix, and informed me it was actually her underwear.
            
     Once again I spent part of my summer vacation in New Hampshire. The room featured Fox News this year, but I was forced to make do with the Boston Globe. Columnist Kevin Cullen managed to comethisclose to ruining my stay with his bleeding heart boo-hoo report on, Azamat Tazhayakov the poor misguided teen accomplice to Marathon Bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev. A fine young Muslim boy who smoked pot and drank booze so he could fully realize the American college experience. Having raised teenagers, I’ll stipulate to the fact they do stupid things-but knowingly covering up for your buddy the terrorist does not make you the victim, especially after you knew what he’d done because his picture was all over the TV. One can hope he will realize the American prison experience before his dumb @$$ is deported back to Russia-when he’s middle aged.
            
     President Obama claimed in a speech that Muslims were a part of the “fabric of America from the very beginning”. You know, I looked at the signatures on the Declaration of Independence and couldn’t find Mohammed Adams or Osama Ben Franklin.
            
     Funny how we make people pick up after their dog, but not themselves.
            
      Some notes on the Sergeant’s Test:
On my way I had the pleasure of passing a freshly killed skunk in the street. I thought:”how appropriate, I’m road kill too”
Seeing so many cops you don’t see regularly was like working the crowd at a wedding, if I missed anyone it wasn’t on purpose-catch you at the oral board.
Even if I wanted to cheat, my eyes are so bad I was lucky I could see MY test.
I’m not known for being the most punctual person, but even I managed to show up a half hour early. C’mon guys, if you can’t get there when you’re supposed to, maybe a promotion’s not your thing.
And, just in case someone from EB Jacobs or an involved Command Staff member sees this, the  Hockey Team got me to stop showing up after selecting me for our Hockey Hall of Fame-soooo if I get promoted, my days at the PAX are OVER…just sayin’
           
     I’m really starting to believe most cops aren’t THAT cynical, and some people ARE that stupid
            
      The US Supreme Court dealt Obamacare a blow, after finding in favor of “Hobby Lobby”. It seems the family owned business wasn’t in the business of offering enough birth control and was sued. The company protested along personal and religious lines and the Supremes agreed-since they were offering to provide 17 out of 20 (?) approved forms of contraception. The libs went wild-you’d think the party that tells us:”it’s for the children”, or “it amounts to a cup of coffee a day” would just suck it up-talk about your bitter clingers. Birth Control Pills cost about $600 a year, that’s about $12 a week. As Gov Patrick says-just bring your lunch one day a week, and that should cover it. Condoms are about $150/year or under $3 a week, skip the latte if you want to get latte’ed. Oh, did I mention both of these methods are covered by Hobby Lobby’s Insurance? This case wasn’t so much about choice or religion as much as it was about Government over-reach and control.
            
     Thousands of illegal alien children swarmed across our southern border, creating a humanitarian crisis of monumental importance. Rather than send them back to their parents, it looks like Uncle Sam wants to adopt these poor little refugees. Despite the fact that some of these juveniles are as old as 21, and more than a few are MS-13 gang members. VP Joe Biden referred to them as “our kids” in a speech-funny if you sent you kid overseas with a stranger for money, you’d find yourself in jail-hell you can’t even abandon a dog without repercussions.
            
     My kids’ behavior has dramatically improved since I hung that Adrian Peterson poster in their room.
            
     After one too many rocket attacks and the kidnapping and murder of three teens, Israel invaded Gaza-prompting an outcry over their tactics. Wow, Hamas, a terrorist group that uses children as human shields, and hides munitions in hospitals and schools claims the moral high ground-no wonder the liberals are so fond of them…
           
     I recently took a weekend trip to Martha’s Vineyard. I’m not sure, but I believe there is an island ordinance which requires every business to hang a “Jaws” poster alongside a picture of Obama or Clinton.
            
     September is a great month to make sure all the systems in your car are working properly-you use your Defroster in the morning, you’re A/C in the afternoon and your heater at night.
            
     I, for one, am sick of paying a fee to pay a bill. And it’s not just the promotional exams! The City of Boston charges you a fee to pay your Excise tax on-line, AT&T charges a service fee if you pay cash for your cell bill (really- A fee for CASH?!?!). My Insurance company sets up my monthly payments, then adds a surcharge to pay monthly! The examples are everywhere. I just ordered a bunch of checks and some stamps-screw you online payments the check is in the mail!
            
     There are certain items that give you the best feeling in the world right out of the package-I wish I could wear new underwear every day! A tooth-brush and windshield wipers are also at the top of the list.
            
     I’m reluctant to visit the turmoil in Ferguson, MO, until all the facts come out, and the investigations are complete. I will say this, though; how do a looted Flat Screen TV, and stolen cigs and booze translate to a call for justice?
            
     I saw a sign in a park the read “No Loitering”. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a park? Apparently some people just don’t get it…
           
     If the drug epidemic is so bad in the ‘burbs, then why do they keep putting the methadone clinics in the city?
            
      The only thing that’s been beaten up more than Mrs Janay Rice Is the story about Mrs Janay Rice being beaten up. It seems like the NFL has more important problems than the name of its Washington franchise. The media is also complicit in this-Domestic Violence and Child Abuse are serious and sadly everyday matters. Instead of using these high profile examples to initiate change, they fuel the flames for ratings and circulation.
           
     I had to go by the  HQ to drop off some paperwork. As I talked to an old friend in the hall, people passed us-some of higher rank, including Command Staff. I greeted many of them by name. My companion noted that I knew so many Officers there-I said it was because I had been around so long-he laughed, saying he had been around too long, and now he knows no one (Thanks, Bob!)
            
     Maybe we should contract Disney to secure our borders, because even at the self-proclaimed “Happiest Place in the World”, if you jump the line you get thrown out!
           
     #selfie (Chainsmokers) is the ValleyGirl(Zappa) for millenniums. File under “name that tune”
            
     I am totally convinced that whoever issues the permits at City Hall does not know how to read a calendar. How else do you explain several events the same weekend, conflicting street closures, movers idled by road races and the like.
           
     I have been referred to as a “Xenophobe”, which is a fear of foreigners. The word finds its roots from a Greek historian/mercenary Xenophon. He was second in command of a large Greek Mercenary force (the Ten Thousand), fighting in the service of Cyrus, who was seeking the Persian Throne. After Cyrus was defeated, the Greeks were stranded deep in enemy territory, and had to literally fight their way home. Believe me I wouldn’t lift a finger to fight any illegals that want to go home- so I guess I’m not really xenophobic.
            
     Liberals claim to celebrate diversity, but apparently that merriment does not extend to the rich.
            
     A guy asked me if I could “pop a wheelie” on my bike-I told him if the Department wanted me on one wheel-they’d have issued me a unicycle.
           
      In California (where else?),  a local school district had proposed a lesson plan that compares Civil Rights Icon Dr Martin Luther King to convicted cop killer Mumia Abu Jamal. I don’t know who should be more mad, Maureen Faulkner-the widow of murdered Philadelphia cop Daniel Faulkner or the family of the late Dr King. What possible parallels could there be between a drug dealing thug whose own brother testified against him and a hero admired by millions around the world? Apparently this idea was even too far out for California, so it’s been shelved.

  Way back in the day, the US Gov't needed to get rid of the indigenous population out west. Wars were too risky, and since they proved to be quite skilled fighters, Uncle Sam had to try another tack. So he starved them by eradicating the biggest staple in their diet, and began to harry them until they agreed to settle on reservations. Once there, they were given blankets intentionally contaminated with smallpox, for which the Indians had no immunity. Tribe thinned, threat eradicated. This is all true; just ask Lie-zy Warren, it was her people. (Come to find out they were giving not receiving)
Who poses the threat now? People like us-free thinking, right leaning, Native Americans. There are more of them than us, so the gov't can afford to lose some as collateral damage. Ebola is the new poison blanket. 

ISIS makes the Nazis look like your HS Chess club. These blood thirsty Islamic terrorists like to chop off the heads of captured foes and video the festivities. Obama referred to them as the Junior Varsity-Mr President, they have climbed the depth chart! Oh how times have changed, in 1994 a US citizen was caned for vandalism in Singapore-and the entire country was up in arms, now a few journalists and aid workers are beheaded on YouTube and it’s “ho-hum” from the left.

     General Motors has issued a recall for over 39 million vehicles just this year alone. With a loss like that, shareholders will clamor for the CEO to be fired! Hey, after the bailout isn’t that Obama?

They say God only gives you what you can handle-sometimes I wish He didn’t have so much confidence in me…

In a deal that could go down as the worst trade since the Indians sold Manhattan for some trinkets, 5 hardened, vicious, terrorist generals were swapped for Bo Bergdahl- a possible deserter, certain sympathizer, who walked off his post in Afghanistan, searching for the Taliban to hug it out. Bergdahl should be given “The Man Without a Country” punishment (Edward Everett Hale, 1863). The Taliban Generals can go to hell, and sooner rather than later!
            
     Once again, with November looming, I urge all of you to get out and VOTE! If you don’t know enough about the candidates, get informed-and use your vote wisely-plenty of others will squander theirs. There are also ballot questions that will directly impact your wallet, so read up, and show up. Check out the Candidate Questionnaires in the PAX, look on-line, ask a friend, or just go with your gut, but VOTE! Or don’t complain.

            Remember, the world is full of great people, if you can’t find one, be one!